E r o t i c   J o k e s

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.

He went and hired a famous Chinese detective; Mr. Ram Pam Sim Wimm.

He asked the detective to watch and report any activities that might develop with the wife.

A few days later, he received this report: "Most honorable Sir, You leave house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree, look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see. No Fee."

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There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Then, a big and mean-looking truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink".

"No, it's not that. It is just ... to day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building I found out that my car was stolen. I take a cab home and I remember I left my wallet home. The cab driver beats me up. I get inside the house, I find my wife sleeping with our dog. I leave home and come here bar and think about putting an end my misery, then show up and drink my poison."

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A girl penguin is driving through Arizona when she notices that the oil-pressure light is on. She gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. She drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the girl penguin goes for a walk around town. She sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. She gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, she makes a real mess trying to eat with her little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "Hey lady, it looks like you blew a seal."

"Oh, no," the she replies, "it's just ice cream."

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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said: "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband's disorder will surely be terminal."

She asked:" What d'want me to do?"

The good Doc said:" Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast, be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. Then make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. As for dinner, prepare a especially nice meal. Don't burden him with chores and domestic problems, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Just try to make him feels relaxed in the evening by wearing a sexy and revealing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his strength and health."

On the way home while the husband was driving, he asked his wife, "What did the doctor say honey?"

"You're surly gonna die," she replied.

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A little boy sits on Santa's lap.

Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".

The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."

Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."

Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."

"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.

The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?", she shouts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?",she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course", says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change".

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this the country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

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Is it true that wome have their own "Code"?

Is it true that sometimes they say one thing but they actully mean something else?

Read this please:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want...
5. Think about it = You'll be sorry if you don't
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble.
7. Sure, go ahead = You'd better not.
8. Do what you want = You will be sorry if you do and yoy pay for this later.
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
11. It is not very expensive = It will cost you two arms, a leg, and one your balls.
12. No to-night, I have a headache = I would rather use my fingers.
13. You want = I need
14. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
15. Do what you want = You'll be sorry.
16. We need to talk = I need to complain
17. Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
18. No, I'm not angry = I am furious.
19. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
20. I want new curtains = I want a new house
21. I want new carpeting = I want a new house.
22. I want new furniture = I want a new house.
23. I want new wallpaper = I want a new house.
24. I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
25. Hang the picture here = NO, I mean hang it there!
26. I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
27. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
28. How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
29. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
30. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
31. Are you listening to me!? = It is too late, you're dead.
32. I am sorry = I am not that sorry.
33. Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
34. Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
35. I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
36. All we're going to buy is a soap dish? = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGIOD there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
37. Nothing, really = My PMS is acting up.
38. I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam.
39. Everything = Everything
40. Nothing = It is everything.
41. Nothing = The same old thing.
42. Nothing!= It's just that you're such an asshole.
43. I won't tell anyone = I won't tell anyone that you know.
44. I have a present for you = I bought a sexy babydoll for myself.
45. I have a surprise for you = Our teenage unmarried duaghter is pregnant.

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A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits' he says.

"You dirty piece of turd" shouts the barmaid. "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread the cheeks of your arse and lick the inside of your asshole" he says.

"You dirty filthy pervert. You're sick. Get out!!'" she storms.

Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.

"One more chance" says the barmaid. "Now - what do you want?"

'I want to turn you upside down, open the flaps of your pussy, fill it with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup".

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the TV.

"What's up love?" he asks

"There's a horrible man in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off"', she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to open my arse and lick the inside of your asshole" she screams.

"Right. He's dead" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.

The husband hears that, puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and Switches the TV back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

'Look love. I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."

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Two Irishmen, Patrick & Sean, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.

This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Sean looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

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A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being told there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that the preacher settled on a donkey instead.

The preacher figured, since he bought the animal, he might as well race it. To his great surprise, the donkey did quite well and came in third place. The next day, the racing sheets carried this headline: Preacher Shows Ass

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again, and this time the animal won first place. The paper said: Preacher's Ass Out In Front

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper printed this headline: Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass

This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to a nun in a local convent. The next day, the headlines read: Nun Has Best Ass In Town

The Bishop fainted.

When he came around, he informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. The nun searched, finally finding a farmer willing to buy the animal for ten dollars. The paper stated: Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks!

They buried the Bishop the next day.

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The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out.

He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice. "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend." the young thing replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," he said, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not reverend." she said. "You're not plugged in yet."

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A girl brings a guy home one night.

They get into her appartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69".

"What the hell is that ?" asks the guy.

Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine."

Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it.

The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart.

"What was that for?" he asks.

"Ooooppps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says.

So they get in to the position again, and once more she lets a wet one loose.

The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.

"Wait, where are you going?" she asks.

The guy replies, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!!

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A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside.

The dog takes the middle seat, and his handler explains that they work for the airline.
"Don't mind Sniffer," the handler says, "he is a special dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this."
He tells the dog, "Sniffer, sniff!"

The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy!"

The handler turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again the handler sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm.

The handler says, "That man is carrying Hashish, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."

"Wow!" says the first man.

Once again, the handler sends the dog to search the aisles.

Sniffer goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back, jumps up onto the seat, and craps all over the place!!!!!

The first man is shocked and disgusted by this, he shouts, "What the heck was THAT for???!!"

The handler replies, "He found a bomb."

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Bill Clinton, Ehud Olmer, and George W. Bush were kidnapped by the Iranians and after a short fake trail, they all were sentenced to death, and set to face a firing squad in a small military camp in the countryside.

Ehud Olmer was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order to shoot him was given, he yelled out, "Earthquake!".

The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Bill Clinton was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Bill pondered what that clever Israeli had done. Before the order to shoot was given, Bill yelled out, "Tornado!"

Again the squad fell apart and Bill slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking "I see the pattern here. I can do it. All I have to do is just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall to freedom."

As the squad was reassembled and the rifles raised in his direction, George looked at them in confidence, he grinned and yelled, "Fire!"

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A few years back, Someone (maybe a witty female writer) made a list of reasons as why Cucumbers are better than men. I kept it in my archieves of old documents. I am sure some of you will find it funny. Here it is:

List of reasons as why Cucumbers are better than men:

1) The Average cucumber is at least six inches long Cucumbers.
2) A Cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't count Cucumbers don't get too excited
3) A Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
4) A Cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety Cucumbers are easy to pick up
5) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't matter
6) You can fondle Cucumbers in the supermarket.
7) You can check how hard a Cucumber is before you take one home.
8) Cucumbers can get away any weekend
9) With a Cucumber you can get a single room in any hotel
10) A Cucumber will always respect you in the morning
11) A Cucumber can always wait until you get home.
12) You can keep a Cucumber in the ice-box.
13) A Cucumber won't drag you out to a John Wayne film festival.
14) A Cucumber won't ask "Am I the first"
15) Cucumbers don't care if your a virgin
16) Cucumbers won't tell anyone your not a virgin anymore
17) With Cucumbers you can be a virgin more than once.
18) Cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups.
19) Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes, strap-on, or go to bed with your sexy
high-heels on.
20) Cucumbers aren't into rope and leather, talking dirty or swinging with fruits and nuts
21) You can have as many Cucumbers as you can handle
22) You only eat Cucumber when you feel like it
23) Cucumbers never need a round of applause
24) Cucumbers won't ask: How was it, Did you cum, how many times
25) Cucumbers aren't jealous...of your gynecologist, ski instructor, hair dresser, or other 3)26) Cucumbers.
27) Cucumbers aren't into meaningful discussions
28) Cucumbers won't ask about your last lover.
29) A Cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over
30) No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh Cucumber
31) Cucumbers can handle rejection
32) A Cucumber won't get upset if you have a headache
33) A Cucumber won't care what time of the month it is
34) A Cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are still wet
35) A Cucumber won't give it up for lent
36) With a Cucumber you never have to say your sorry
37) Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow
38) Cucumbers can stay up all night...and you don't have to sleep on a wet spot
39) A Cucumber never say: Let's just be friends.
40) A Cucumber never say it is not the marrying kind
41) Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month
42) A Cucumber won't work your crossword puzzle in ink
43) A Cucumber isn't allergic to your cat
44) Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car
45) A Cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor
46) A Cucumber doesn't read the hustler in your bathroom.
47) A Cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray
48) Cucumbers won't leave hair in the sink or a ring in the tub
49) Cucumbers don't leave dirty socks on the floor
50) With a Cucumber the toilet seat is always the way you left it
51) Cucumbers don't compare you to a Centerfold
52) Cucumbers don't tell you they liked you better with long hair
52) A Cucumber will never leave for: another woman, another man, another Cucumber
54) A Cucumber will never call and say "I have to work late, Honey," and then come home
smelling like another woman.
55) A Cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a wedgie.
56) You always know where your Cucumber is.
57) Cucumbers don't have mid-life crisis
58) A Cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun
59) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves
60) You won't find out later that your Cucumber is married.
61) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do
62) You don't have to wait till half time to talk to your Cucumber
63) A Cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy outfit Cucumbers.
64) A Cucumber never wants to take you home to mother Cucumber.
65) A Cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family
66) A Cucumber won't ask to be put through med school
67) A Cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually
68) Cucumbers never expect you to have little Cucumbers
69) Cucumbers don't say,"let's keep trying until we have a little boy."
70) A Cucumber won't insist the little kids be raised Catholic, Jewish or Orthodox Vegetarian.
71) It's easy to drop a Cucumber
72) A Cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek
custody of anything.

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A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the possible reasons
that may be the cause of Mad Cow disease.

The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

The Farmer: "And, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but how about getting back to our point?"

The Farmer: "This is the point madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and you get screwed only once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

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hahahaha...my bro! California cucumbers are foot-long!!! bwa-hahahahaha!!

Cheers for your joke thread...we're on a roll :smt038

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.

She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally breaks wind.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident.

As she turns there standing next to her is a salesman.

She asked: "Excuse me, how much is this rug?"

The man responded in a heavy accent: "Mahdam, if me tell you zee brice, you will not fart, you will blow a turd in your pantiez".

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A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road.

The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.

As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means - ....it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'."

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amazing jokes...here is my contribution...

guy vs gal...

So you

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When order is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "In your case, you'll have to show up anyway -- just write with your other hand."

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A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat.

As he settles in, he glances up and sees a beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.

Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside him. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So, where are you flying to today?";

She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.";

He swallows hard, instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?";

She flips her hair back, turns to him, looks onto his eyes, and says, "I will be speaking, debunking some of the popular myths about sexuality.";

"Really";, he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?";

She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average. Let alone Arabic men who can eat a lot of meat and fish which make them cum in large amounts.";

"Very interesting,"; the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry,"; she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name.";

The man extends his hand and replies, "Hussien Tonto Goldstein.";

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1) You can enjoy a beer all month long
2) Beer stains wash out
3) You don't have to wine and dine a beer
4) Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football
5) When your beer goes flat, you toss it out
6) Beer never changes its mind
7) A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
8) Beer is never late
9) Hangovers go away
10) Beer labels come off without a fight
11) Beer never has a headache
12) When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer
13) After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 10 cents
14) A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer
15) If you pour a beer right, you always get good head
16) You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty
17) A beer always goes down easy
18) You can share a beer with your friends
19) You always know when you are the first one to pop a beer
20) Beer is always wet
21) Beer doesn't demand quality
22) Beer is not after a meaningful drinkship.
23) You can have a beer in public
24) A beer doesn't care when you come
25) A frigid beer is a good beer
26) You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good
27) If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony

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An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am. How about you?"

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women."

A little while later, a man sat down next to the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian"

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A man enters a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has had getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing,"; says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

"Just place this between your cheek and gum.";

The client placed the ball in his mouth, and the barber proceeded with the closest shave the man had ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asked in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?";

"No problem,"; said the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!";

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A boy and a girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.

They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?";

She said " I love it but I have to stop eating it.";

"Why?"; he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!";

"Let me see"; he said.

"Okay"; and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, "That's right you are, better not eat any more chicken.";

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!";

She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you, you've already got the neck and gizzard!";

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A man is feeling realy depressed.

His wife has left him, taken the children, the dog, and cleared their bank account.

His job performance became so low that he lost it.

Not being able to pay his car the loank, the bank repossed it.

"Before anything else goes wrong, I gotta kill myself" he thought.

Having no idea how to go about this task and can't ask his friends or familly, he decides to go to the library and get a book on the subject.

When he arrives at the library he asks the librarian if she has any books on suicide.

"I'm afraid we haven't got any left", she says, "they never bring them back".

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A lady dies and goes to heaven.

She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.

There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him.

Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!

"What was that?" she asks.

"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "it's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo."

The woman calms down.

A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.

"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.

"Oh, don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."

The lady starts to walk away.

"Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.

"I think I'll go downstairs, to the other side, if it's all the same to you," says the lady.

"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"

"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that.

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Bob and his blonde wife live up north.

One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's blonde wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

The blonde wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

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The other day I went to a strip bar with a couple of guys.

One of the guys gets into his wallet and flashes a $10 bill at one of the dancers.

When she came over to our table, he licked the bill and stuck it on one her around cheek.

The second guy with us decided he didn't want to be out done so he took a $50 dollar bill, licked it and stuck it to her other butt cheek.

Now the pressure was on me.

As the dancer made her way towards me, I reached in my wallet and discovered all I had was a $5 bill.

Not to be outdone, however, I grabbed my ATM card, swiped it down her ass, grabbed the $60 dollars and went home!

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A middle aged woman spends $5000 for a face lift and feels pretty good about herself.

On her way back home after she was discharged, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," was the reply.

"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.

A little while later she feels hungry, she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

She replies, "I guess maybe... about 29?"

The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say... 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm sorry, I'm 78 and my eyesight is not so good. Although..., when I was young, there was a sure fire way to tell how old a lady was. It may sound a little forward, but it requires me put my hands under your bra. I could then tell you exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "Oh what the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and inside her bra and begins to feel around very slowly, very carefully. He Lifts one breast then the other and holds each and touches and caresses each breast...

After a couple of minutes, she said, "Okay, okay,... that's enough, how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze and removes his hands, "Madam, you are exactly 47 years old."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,... how did you know?"

He replied, "I was standing in line right behind you at McDonald's."

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One day, the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Chicken Little to her class.

She came to the part of the story where chicken little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, "...And so chicken little went up to the farmer and said: "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy Shit! A talking chicken!"

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A woman was leaving a 711-convenient store with her morning coffee.

She noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash.

Behind her, tere were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

The first woman inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

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Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop.

Where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The red head says, "Oh sure..... but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

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A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.

She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some Crotchless underwear she had seen in the novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her Crotchless undies and a slinky negligee.

She then strolled about with a sltty walk and stood between her husband and the TV set.

Then, suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. "Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?", he replied, "Look what it did to those panties."

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A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

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A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed.

The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor.

The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"

The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet".

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, who do you work for?"

The man replied "The IRS. I am a tax collector."

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A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks.

This beautiful lady sits down next to him.

He turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money."

She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch."

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A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm.

He puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.

The bartender quickly takes the bet.

The owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"

The dog answers "ROOF."

The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."

The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else".

The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time".

The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH."

The bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.

As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "Di Maggio?"

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There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk.

The bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer, the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to be served another drink.

The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender for a beer.

A little frustrated, the bartender repeats the answer he said before.

The man leaves.

He then comes in the other side door, walks to the bartender and asks for a beer.

The bartender is annoyed, and tells the man he is too drunk and to get a ride home and leave his bar.

The man leaves.

He then comes in the BACK door, comes the the bartender, and before he can say a word, the bartender explodes at him: "I told you already, you are way to drunk, you can not have another beer! Get out of my bar!"

Disgruntled, the man looks at the bartender and asks: "Man, how many bars do you work at?"

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After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel.

He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite.

Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

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A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "130."

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on.

The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responded, "120."

So the robot started talking about the super bowl, dirt bikes, and so on.

The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."

A third guy came in to the bar.

As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "65." The robot then said, "So, how are things in the White House these days?"

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A man walks into a bar.

He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.

He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, any age, any color, anytime, anywhere. Your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've done it standing up, sitting down, and sideways. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just love doing it."

The says: "Oh my God. No kidding?, I too am a lawyer".

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A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

The Bartender says, "Why do have a steering wheel in your pants?"

The man replies: "Because it drives me nuts".

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A man walks into a bar, orders the bartender for two beers.

He continues this for several nights and the bartender got a bit curious.

The bartender walks up to him and asks "Sir, why do you always ask for two drinks?"

The man replies, "I used to come here with my best friend but now he's dead. And I'm drinking the second beer on his behalf."

A few days later, the man orders only for 1 beer.

Curious, the bartender asks him,"why only 1 beer now sir?"

The man replies, "Because I have given up drinking!"

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Two guys were at a bar arguing with their midget friend who was telling them about what he did the night before.

"I was drunk. She was a real hot midget nun that picked me up at the back ally after I threw up. Started kissing me and let me hup her three holes for hours".

His friends listened with disbelieve.

Suddenly, and out of nowhere, the Pope walked into the bar!

"Oh my god its the pope". They all say at once.

The two friends says to the midget: "That's it. we'll ask him. He knows everything."

They walked up to the Pope and asked "Sir, are there midget nuns in America?".

"No, my sons. No, no." said the Pope

"Are there midget nuns in the entire world?" they asked again.

"No, my sons. No." said the Pope

"Are there even such things as midget nuns?"

"No, my sons. No, never have been." said the Pope.

the two guys burst out chanting, "Joe screwed a penguin, Joe screwed a penguin..."

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A man that was drinking all day goes into a bar.

He demands a beer and is denied.

Yet he keeps asking the bartender.

Finally the bartender grabs him and throws him out.

Another man is walking by and the man who was thrown out stops him and says: "hey I'll bet you 100 dollars that I'm Jesus Christ".

The man walking by laughs at him and says: "make it 500 dollars and you got yourself a bet".

The man claiming to be Jesus says:"OK. Come with me into this bar and I'll prove it".

So they walk in and sit down at the bar.

When the bartender comes from the back and sees the man he just threw out, angrily he looks toward the man he just threw out and shous: "Jesus Christ!! I told you to stay out of here".

The man walking by looks amazed and pays the druk man 500 dollars.

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Jack and Tom, are having a beer in a saloon when a cowboy walks in with an Indian's head under his arm.

He hands it to the bartender, and the bartender hands him money.

The bartender turns to them and says, "I hate Indians. Last week they burnt my barn to the ground and killed my wife and three kids. Anybody brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give them a thousand bucks."

Jack and Tom guzzle their beers and leave to go hunt Indians.

After a while, they finally spot one. Jack throws a rock, it hits him on the head, the Indian falls off his horse, and rolls seventy feet down a ravine.

The two cowboys make their way down the ravine and Tom pulls out his knife to claim their trophy.

Jack says, "Tom, take a look at this."

Tom says, "Not now, I'm busy." Jack says.

"I really think you should have a look." Tom says again.

"Asshole, can't you see I'm busy? I've got a thousand dollars in my hand." Jack says,

"Please, Tom, take a look." He insists.

Tom looks up at the top of the ravine, and there's five thousand Indians standing there.

Tom says, "Fuck! We're gonna be millionaires Jack!"

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Back in the early twenties, organ grinders used to go into bars with their pet monkeys and entertain the customers for tips.

This particular grinder walks into a bar with his pet monkey and states that he can play any tune that they want to hear.

With that, he perches the monkey on the end of the bar, and the monkey is hopping down the bar, when it plops his ass on top of a drunk's glass.

The drunk yells, "Shay, old man ......, duh yah know your monkeys got his ass in my beer?"

The organ grinder replies, "No. Can you hum ahead a few bars, and I'll pick it up from there."

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Answer the following questions to see what kind of a man you are:
=================================================
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town


2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers


3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter


4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about


5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100.00 extra


6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) no concern of yours
b) not a problem
c) a conservative estimate


7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) a oxymoron
c) gay


8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride


9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, 1".


10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is a total waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
==============================================

If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times... YOU AH DA MAN!

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Here we go:

1) is it in?
2) that's it?
3) you've got to be kidding me.
4) (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
5) do I have to pay for this?
6) do I have to call you tomorrow?
7) oh momma, momma! oh dadda, dadda!
9) you look better in the dark.
10) this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11) I thought that goes in the other hole....
12) don't tell my husband/wife.
13) you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it) .
14) this sucks.
15) can you finish now? I have a meeting...
16) I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
17) I think you might get the job for this.
18) damn! is that all you know what to do.
19) did I tell you, I have herpes?
20) now we must get married.
21) hurry up, the games about to start.
22) I'm hungry.
23) I'm thirsty.
24) zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25) are you trying to be funny?
26) can I have a ride home after this?
27) are those real?
28) by the way, I want to break up.
29) is that smell coming from you?
30) haven't you ever done this before?
31) wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
32) do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
33) you're so much like your sister....
34) your mom's cute.
35) what's your name again?
36) do I have to be here in the morning?
37) a second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
38) but you just started!!
39) you're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!!
40) don't touch that!!
41) can we order a pizza?
42) I think my dad is listening at the door.
43) smile for the camera, honey!!!
44) take off that damn monkey glove!!
45) get your hand out of there!!
46) I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
47) I knew you wore a padded bra!!
48) cover me boys, I'm going in!!!
49) DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
50) Fire one!
51) God, that is small!!
52) hold on, let me change the channel...
53) who smells like fish?
54) is it O.K. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
55) your best-friend does it much better.
56) hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
57) hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
58) you're fogging up the wind-shield.
59) can I borrow 5 bucks?
60) what the hell noise was that?!
61) stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62) shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
63) you know, you're not really attractive.
64) I'm sorry, I was not listening.
65) what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!
66) stop interrupting me!!
67) I have to take a shit.
68) did I leave the iron on?
69) your breath is funky.
70) (start singing Green Day) .
71) is it O.K. if I call someone, its O.K. though, keep going....
72) its OK honey, I can imagine that its bigger.
73) god I wish you were a real woman.
74) why can't you ever shave your legs?
75) by the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....
76) oh Susan, Susan... I mean donna.... shit.
77) your breast milk is like my mom's....
78) you're hairy!!
79) your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80) is it O.K. if I never see you again?
81) did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
82) don't make that face at me!
83) all of a sudden I have a headache.
84) you're boring.
85) I like your tits.
86) suck my dick, bitch.
87) how much do I owe you?
88) How come we each have a penis?
89) of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
90) your ass is hairy (the guy says this) .
91) I'll use my finger, its bigger.
92) does your family have to watch?
93) we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
94) get off me, I'll do it myself!!!!
95) can you hold this sandwich for me?
96) you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
97) the only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
98) my mom taught me this.....
99) how cute... peach fuzz!
100) Damn girl! my tits are bigger than your's!
101) should I ask why you're bleeding?
102) this is my pet rat, Larry....
103) if you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
104) I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
105) I was once a woman...
106) wanna see me take out my glass eye?
107) no I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!!
108) is it O.K. if I tell my friends about this?
109) I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
110) you wanted me to use a condom?
111) you're no better than my brother!!
112) mooooo!!
113) Fire in the hole!!!
114) I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
115) hurry up, I'm late for a date.
116) O.K. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
117) you ever see basic instinct?
118) I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
119) don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
120) Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
121) you got boogies showing.
122) (start reciting the 10 commandments) .
123) I think I just shit on your bed.
124) of course I don't love you.
125) let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.

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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"

"None" replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well the answer is four" said the teacher, "but I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well.." said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

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One of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word fuck. Is it a magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate.

In old English language, the word fuck is an abbriviation of "Fornication Under the Conscent of the King". However, in modern English, it falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both intransitive (Mary was fucked by John), and transitive (John fucked Mary). It can be used by women for the same meaning but in reverse (Mary fucked John).

It can be an intransitive passive verb, (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), or an adverb (Mary is a terrific fuck), or an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful), or (she is a good fuck), or (look at these fucking tits), etc.

As you can see, there are very few words with the versatility of the word (fuck). Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many varied situations:

How the fuck are you? = Greetings

I got fucked by the car dealer = Fraud

Oh, fuck it = Expression of dismay

Well, I guess I'm fucked now = I am in Trouble.

fuck you! = Expression of aggression

fuck me! = Feeling of disgust

What the fuck?!?! = Feeling Confused.

I don't understand this fucking job = Expressing difficulty.

I am fucked again = Total despair

What the fuck is going on here? = Expressing displeasure

He fucks up everything = Describing incompetence

Where the fuck are we? = Feeling lost.

How the fuck can we go back? = Asking for direction.

Unfuckingbelievable! = Disbelief

Up your fucking ass! = Retaliation

fucking drunk = Very drunk.

This is fucking great = This is great.

and so on .....

It can be used in an anatomical description (He's a fucking asshole), to tell time (It's five fucking thirty!), in business (How did I wind up with this fucking job), maternal (Mother fucker!), and political (fucking Republicans), or (fucking George Bush!).

Here are some fucking examples famous people:

1) General Custer's last words (Where did all them fucking indians come from?).
2) The Mayor of Hiroshima ( What the fuck was that?).
3) The Captain of the Titanic (Where is all this fucking water coming from?). He also may have said (Where the fuck is the water coming from).

The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word. How can anyone be offended when you say fuck? Use it frequently in your daily speach. It will add to your prestige.

Try (I love you so much, you little fuck), or (I think I am fucking in love with you), etc.
Say that to someone you love, today!

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I don't know how true this is, or if actually happened, but it makes some sense.

Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. One of the questions asked was:
'Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the Food shortage in the rest of the world?'

The survey was a huge failure because:

1) In Africa they didn't know what 'food' means.
2) In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' means.
3) In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' means.
4) In China they didn't know what 'opinion' means.
5) In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' means.
6) In South America they didn't know what 'please' means.
7) In the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' means.

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Here are some quotations by famous people

Steve Martin:
"I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural and wholesome thing that money can buy.";

Lord Chesterfield:
"The pleasure is momentary, the position is ridiculous, and the expense is damnable.";

Steve matin:
"Don't have sex that often, it usually leads to kissing and fondling and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.";

Woody Allen:
"Meet me in the bedroom in five minutes and bring the cattle prod.";

Madonna:
"Loosing my cheery was faster than getting a vaccination.";

Nicole Kidman:
"For most men, foreplay is like cooking a hamburger; three minutes on each side.";

Bill Crystal:
"I once mad love to a female clown. She twisted my dick into a poodle.";

Pamela Anderson:
"Who ever say that size doen't matter is a liar with a small dick.";

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua.

As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."

They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, dogs aren't allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"

The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK then, come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable.

Once again the bouncer said,"Sorry, pal, dogs aren't allowed."

The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Seeing-Eye Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? Oh God. They gave me a damn Chihuahua???"

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Two guys in a bar are watching the TV.

There is a news report about a man who threatens to jump off a 5 story building unless the cops give him 3000 dollars.

One guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks the guy jumps".

The other guy takes the bet, and the guy on the TV ends up jumping.

The guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back, saying that he had already seen the guy jump on the earlier showing.

The loser says "Well I saw it too but I didn't think he would jump again"

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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, picks up the guy's drink, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink."


The guy cries even louder.

The trucker says, "Take it easy feller, it is OK. Here is another drink, stop crying. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, goes to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver beats me up then drives away."

The trucker comments, "Oh Boy. That is really bad, but this can happen to any one".

"Just listen." The guy continues.

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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Man walks into a bar, has a seat and asks for two double shots.

He knocks one back and tosses the second into his vest pocket.

This goes on for about a dozen rounds before the bartender says, "Excuse me, but I'm curious as to why you knock back one drink and toss the other into your vest pocket?"

The man says, "That's none of your damn business."

Then mouse pops out of the vest pocket and yells." And that goes for your damn cat too!"

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches tiny hands, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"

The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

The bartender gives the man free drinks for the rest of the night.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.

"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."

The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.

"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded.

"That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, my rat's a ventriloquist."

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Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96.

They loved one another so much that they all lived together.

One night, the 96 year old ran a bath.

She put one foot in and thought. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled asking her two sisters.

The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see."

She started up the stairs and stopped.

She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?" She asked the third sister.

The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea.

listening to her sister's shook her head and said, "I sure hope when I get that old is never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure.

Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

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One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues.

Then all of a sudden, an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

He calls the cops.

A cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.

"Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

The cop shakes his head and says: "You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions."

The lawyer shouts in a defying tone: "So what?"

The cop says:"I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing?".

The lawyer looked down at his side and cried, "OH MY GOD ......MY ROLEX.........!"

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You might be a redneck if...

While cutting your grass, you find your lost car!

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George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes straight to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here."

George asks: "Stay!! doing what?"

The devil thinks for a minute and says:"I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take that person's place. I'll even let YOU decide who geos."

George thinks that sounded pretty good, so he agrees.

The devil opens the door to the first room. In it was former President Richard Nixon and a large pool of water.

Nixon kept diving in and surfacing gasping for air, then immediately diving back into the water again over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No way!" George says. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil leads him to the next room.

In it was British Prime Minister Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All what Tony did was swing that hammer, time after time after time breaking rocks.

"No way! I've got this problem with my shoulder. It would be constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commentes George.

The devil opens the third door.

In it, George saw former President Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs in a spread-eagle pose, with a wide dreamy smile on his face.

Monica Lewinsky was bending over him, doing what she does best.

George Bush looks at this in disbelief for awhile and finally says "Yeah ... yes sure .. I could handle this."

The devil smiles and says . . . "OK Monica may go now..."

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Two guys are out in the woods hiking.

All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.

They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up after them.

The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second guy says, "What are you doing?

The first guy says, "I figure when the bear gets too close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it."

The second guy shouts, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear"!

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you.

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The same man saw the same beautiful, blond, female neighbor again in the town mall on a Saturday night.

She was just hanging around, alone, and she was licking a bar of Tootsie Roll.

Trying to be a friendly neighbor, he approached her, a politely asked: " Hi, you look as if you were having a good time, licking that thing."

She shook her head in agreement. But said nothing.

Agiajn, trying to start a conversation, he asked: "So, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll - Tootsie Pop?"

Without a thought, the blonde replied, "Beats me, but it took almost the whole day just to lick through the wrapper."

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The ex-First Lady, the ex-president G. W. Bush and the ex-Vice President Cheney are in a plane traveling some where to bull shit some people.

Laura Bush says: "If I throw out a $100 bill, I would make one person very happy."

Cheney asnwers: "If I threw ten $10 bills out of the window, I would make ten people more happy."

Bush feels the need to say something as usaual.

He thinks hard for a momnet and says: "If I threw a hundred $1 bill out of the window, I would make a hundred people happy."

The pilot, who had been listening to the conversation, mutters to the co-pilot: "If I throw these two idiot men out of the window, I'd make the whole happy!"

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George W. Bush and Cheney are sitting in the oval office discussing torrture, bullshit plolotics, and other bullshit.

A Republican General walks in and sits in front of the desk with a folder.

The folder is marked "Top Secret Bullshit".

The General looks inside the folder, gets a calculater, and punches few button before giving the daily report from Iraq.

He says to Bush: "Three Brazilians (the nationality) men died today".

Cheney smiles "which makes him looks like Rose Marie's Baby".

Bush, with his hed in his hand says, "Oh mah god, how many zeros is a brazillion?"

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A man dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly gates.

Behind St. Peter, is a wall of clocks.

The man asks St. Peter, "What are all those clocks for?"

St Peter answers, " Everyone has one. The hands move when someone lies".

The man asks about George Washington's clock.

St Peter says."The hands have never moved".

The man: "What about Abe Lincoln?"

St Peter: "Only moved twice."

The man: Where is George W.Bush's clock?

St. Peter: "It's in the devils' bedroom. He's using it for a fan!"

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Here ten (25) reasons why chocolate is better than sex:

1- You can GET chocolate.

2- "If you love me, you'll swallow" has real meaning with chocolate.

3- Chocolate satisfies, even when it's gone soft.

4- You can safely have chocolate while driving.

5- You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6- You can take chocolate to your mother's house.

7- You can have chocolate in front of your mother.

8- If you bite chocolate's nuts as hard as you want. It wouldn't complain.

9- Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called names.

10- The word "commitment" doesn't scare chocolate.

11- You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without
upsetting your work mates.

12-You can ask a stranger for a chocolate without getting your face slapped.

13-You can offer a stranger a chocolate without getting a bunch in the face.

14- Having too much chocolate by hand will not give you hair in your palm.

15- With chocolate there's never any need to fake it.

16- Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

17- You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

18- Good chocolate is easy to find.

19- You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

20- You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

21- When you have chocolate late at night it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.

22- You can have chocolate with you, and still be able to watch your favorit TV show.

23- With chocolate, size doesn't matter and it's always great.

24- For men, Chocolate doesn't get headaches.
For women, Chocolate doesn't make you wear, do, or say silly kinky things.

25- Chocolate doen't have a birthday.

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A Minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said, "Today, church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."

Then he shouted out, "Cross.....!!!"

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."

The Minister hollered out, "Grace......!!!"

The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

And again, he said, "Power."

The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood."

Then he said, "Sex.........??????"

The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock.

They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.

Suddenly, from the back of the church, a frail little 89 year-old grandmother stood up, aided by her 35-year old cane, and, in a tiny quavering voice, began to sing Barbara Streisand's "Memories."

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Here are some French slangs and they translate into English ....

(No offense intended to our French and French speaking members).

1- S'agiter le poireau.
To agitate the leek.

2- S'astiquer la baguette.
To polish one's baguette. (Baguette is a certain shape and type of French bread)

3- S'allonger le macaroni.
To enlongate one's macaroni.

4- Faire cinq contre un.
To do five against one.

5- Se faire une douce.
To do oneself a sweet thing. (To treat oneself)

6- S'en taper une.
To treat oneself to one. (To treat oneself)

7- Epouser la veuve Poignet.
To marry the widow Wrist.

8- Etrangler Popaul.
To strangle Popaul.

9- Faire sauter la cervelle a Charles-le-Chauve.
To blow out the brains of Charles the Bald.

10- Faire glouglouter le poireau.
To make one's leek gurgle.

11- Gonfler son andouille
To swell one's sausage.

12- Grimper au mat de cocagne.
To climb up the greasy pole.

13- Se faire mousser le createur.
To make one's creator foam.

14- Se secouer le bonhomme.
To shake one's good-natured man.

15- S'en taper une.
To treat oneself to one.

16- Se tutoyer.
To be on familiar terms with oneself.


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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems.

The teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and someone shots one bird with a gun, how many birds would be left?"

"None" replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

The teacher said, "The correct answer is four. But I like the way you are thinking."

After a few moments, Little Johnny says, "I have a question teacher".

The teacher said, "Go ahead".

Little Johnny asked, "If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop. One was licking her cone, one was biting the cone and one was sucking the cone, which one of the three is married?"

"Well.." said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the married one would have a wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

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Ex-President Bush was visiting a primary school and he dropped in on one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy".

So the Ex-world leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Bush. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. Not one else volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If you were our President and you and Mr. Chaney were on board Air Force One and then the plane was struck by a "friendly fire" missle and blown to smithereens, I think that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly is not a great loss and it isn't an accident either."

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Why do people pass less gas than others?

Because they don't shut up long enough to build up pressure!

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A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "Your wish is my command. But ...you have only one wish .. A Golden wish!"

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish."

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My ex-wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could:"

1) Understand women.
2) know how they feel inside.
3) Know what they're thinking about.
4) Know why they sometimes give men the silent treatment.
5) Know what makes them laugh and what makes them cry.
6) know what they really want when they say "nothing,";
7) know how to make them truly happy. You know, the whole package ....."

The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

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